n i n e months - and a day spent in the ER

The day after Aubree turned 9 months old we had a scary, exhausting, long day at Banner Desert- Cardon's children's medical center. The night before she was running a fever so I gave her some children's ibuprofen and just thought maybe she was teething. She slept fine that night and we woke up early the next day to go shopping with the girls. She seemed to want to sleep in so I let her sleep until the last second before we left. I checked her temperature and it was normal so I did not give her any medicine before we left the house. I could tell as the morning went on that she just wasn't feeling well. In the middle of shopping I notice she felt really really warm so I got her out of her stroller and took off her little cardigan and gave her some ibuprofen. I didn't check her temperature at that point but I knew her fever was back. She looked dazed and leaned her head on my face. As she pulled away I look at her and saw her eyes fall back into her head, her lips turn a little blue and her whole body was shaking, I immediately turned to Michelle and asked "what is she doing?"  it didn't occur to me that something was seriously wrong. Michelle frantically said "she's having a seizure, call 911! " as she grabbed Aubree from me. I am pretty sure she had two separate seizures both lasting about 5 seconds. I just stood there with no emotion, not knowing what to to think or do. Someone called 911 and told me to undress her. Aubree didn't cry after the two seizures, but started to as I undressed her. I took her to the front of the store and someone handed me a wet paper towel to dab on her to cool her down. It only took the fire department 5 minutes to arrive. As soon as they did I started to gain my emotions and panic. Aubree screamed while two guys poked her and one guy asked me lots of questions. I started to cry and they told me because it was her first seizure we needed to take her to the hospital. Sarah called Ben and told him what happen. The firefighters told me that everything was going to be okay. I sat on the stretcher holding my daughter as they put us in the ambulance while Michelle rode up front. When we got to the hospital Ben met us there and the nurses asked us what happen and evaluated Aubree. Her temperature was around 102 so they gave her some Tylenol and we waited for the doctor. I then explained to the doctor what happen and she told me that it is common for a child to have a seizure when their temperature rising too quickly. The fever or seizure does not cause brain damage but they wanted to do some tests to see what was causing her fever. She cried every time one of the nurses walked in. It was so hard to watch them poke her and have to hold her down while she cried. After doing multiple tests and putting an IV in her tiny arm they left us alone for about two hours while we waited for results. I nursed Aubree to sleep and when she woke we all tried to keep her happy. Ben and I ate lunch from the cafeteria and we visited with friends and family. The doctor came back with good news. She told us Aubree tested negative for RSV and influenza and any other serious illness. She did say that her white blood cell count was high so they gave her some antibiotics through her IV. The doctor told me to make an appointment with her pediatrician on Monday and that was about it. We left not really knowing what caused her fever, we just knew that she was going to be okay, and I was so grateful for that knowledge. I continued to give Aubree Tylenol and ibuprofen on Sunday and we got an appointment with Dr. Gutherie on Monday. Her fever was gone by Monday but she now had a horrible diaper rash, she was still cranky and not herself. So at the appointment with Dr. Gutherie he told me that Aubree was pre programmed to have seizures if and when her temperature escalated very quickly. He said that only 4 percent of people were that way but just because she was did not mean that all of my children would be. He also said a percent of people go on to have epilepsy later in life.  Sadly there was nothing we could do if she was going to have the seizure. If we know she has a fever we can monitor it and keep it level by giving medication but because we did not know she had the fever there was nothing we could do. He also told us if this happens again we do not need to take her to the hospital if we monitor her and her fever goes down and she seems like herself again. He also said that she could of just gotten a fever from an infection in her stomach or the common flu. He gave us a list of some medication over the counter to get for her poor bottom and that was it. I wish so badly that I could take away her pain. It has been so hard to see her not feel good and know there is nothing else I can do. I have had multiple sleepless nights since her seizure and and have worried none stop if she is going to get another fever. One night when I couldn't sleep I found this poem that described my feelings perfectly.


Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations. 

Before I was a Mom, 
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night. 

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep. 

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom. 

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy. 

Before I was a Mom, 
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom


I am so grateful for my sweet baby girl and feel so blessed to have her here in my arms getting healthier and happier. These last nine months have been the greatest times of my life, and I can't wait to make more memories with her and her daddy.